An open letter to my would be car theif


Dear Dumbass who tried to rob me last night,

When choosing a car to steal from, perhaps you should reconsider the 13 year old Ford Piece of Shit.  The worst looking car on the street is probably unlocked for a reason.  I can only imagine your disappointment at finding my $2 ear buds in the armrest.  I’m guessing you decided my ear wax wasn’t worth the risk since you left them on my passenger seat?  My multi-tool from my cup holder was left there too.  Which is surprising because it has a little knife, some pliers and a screwdriver all in one little tool!!  And it was only $1 at the parts store!!  

I also noticed you left all my CD’s in my CD holder too.  Was it because they were all burned copies of my originals, because 2 of them were ‘Lord of the Rings’ soundtracks, or because 1 was a Lennox operating system and 1 was the complete works of Leisure Suit Larry?  Never mind, you’re too stupid to know what those things are.  

I do appreciate you leaving me my sunglasses, though.  I hate driving to work without them and at $10 they were SUPER expensive (at least for a guy who drives a 13 year old piece of shit they were) – dumbass.  

You did a great job of cleaning out all my old fast food receipts.  I want to thank you for that.  You also did a great job cleaning the passenger side floorboard.  I haven’t seen that floor in MONTHS!  God knows what kind of icky nasty goo was down there.  Thanks for cleaning it out.  I certainly didn’t want to do it.  

I kind of feel bad that you didn’t get a tip for cleaning my car.  I had spare change in that little change holder just beside the steering wheel.  It’s all still there, however, so I can only assume that cleaning my car was a random act of kindness.  May I suggest you apply for a real job at a carwash?  It doesn’t require much smarts (which is an obvious handicap for you) and you seem to have a natural talent for riffling through the nastiest of people’s trash.  I think it would be a good long term career choice for you.  

Thanks Again,
Poor guy who owns the cheapest car on the block

P.S. if I leave a rag and some carwax on the passenger seat, will you go ahead and give it a wash n wax next time?

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 31, 2012 at 8:22 AM

    OH MY GOSH!!! You are my favorite person !!!!!! hahaha

    ReplyDelete

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