37-2012

My birthday happens to fall on New Years Eve.  This year I will be turning 37.  So along with everyone else will be looking back on the year 2011, but I will also be evaluating my 37^th year on the planet to see how it went, what I can learn from it and what I can improve for next year.  I don’t know if most people do this on their birthday or if maybe I get a double dose of it since it falls on New Year’s Eve.  The point is, I go through a full self evaluation at least once a year.

2011 saw the fall of many dictatorships, too bad many of those will likely be replaced by more brutal dictatorships.  Our economy was stagnant (possibly for the first time in history).  Not up, not down, just blah.  Stagnant sounds worse to me than falling.  Once something settles, it’s hard to get it moving again.  2011 also featured the Millennial’s first real statement to the world via the “Occupy” movement, and that statement was: “Give to me, it’s mine, I deserve it”

36 mostly centered around a fight with my oldest daughter that started back in 2010 (when I was 35).  She came to me after her high school graduation.  I offered her $500 to help pay for her first semester books.  She threw that back in my face stating that was “bull shit” and I should be paying for them anyway.  She proceeded to tell me that I needed to pay for her college “because I’m the oldest.  Give it to me! It’s mine! I deserve it!”  She also threw in a “You’ve never done anything for me.”  For those of you who do not know me, I have a pretty simple mantra I like to follow; If I’m going to do the time, then I will do the crime.  I didn’t have the money to pay for her school, but even if I did, I would not have given her a penny after her tantrum.  She sued me.  We went to court in 2011 and a judge agreed that I couldn’t afford to pay for her private college expenses.  She didn’t get a penny.  She hasn’t talked to me since the fight.  Her actions have weighed heavily on me for 2 years now.  I can only hope that she learns what she needs to out there.  She’s chosen the hard way and it’s hard to watch.  My other kids have not been much better this year. 

My second daughter (16) has a 20 year old boyfriend.  (her mom is ok with it – I’m not)  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she has also given up on everything she has ever said she wanted to with her life in exchange for “love”.  Because she has a 16 year old neurotic fascination with this guy, dad has become some dumbass old man who doesn’t know anything.  To her I’m now just the guy she has to visit which cuts into her time with the most important person on the planet.  *barf*  I’ve made the same mistake.  I’ve gone all in on a relationship and gave everything of myself and got nothing back.  I learned that if they don’t like who you are already, then becoming someone else is a waste of time and effort.  Not that she’s listening to the old dumbass.

My one and only son can’t stop using material possessions to make himself feel better.  He’s a selfish slacker who makes himself feel better by bragging about all cool stuff his mom bought him.  He doesn’t face his mistakes.  He hasn’t earned anything for himself.  Anytime I try to talk to him about being a real man, a good friend, a leader, the kind of person people respect and enjoy to be around; I get heavy sighs, eye rolling and less attention than a wall gives a barking dog.

My youngest daughter can’t stop lying.  Seriously.  She’s become quite compulsive about it.  She lies about dinner, clothes, showers, anything and everything.  She’s 9, but still!  I have more time with her.  The silver lining is that I’ve seen improvement in her this year.  She’s stopped lying – for now – I think.  She takes a great deal of pride in doing her karate and especially in doing it correctly.  Her school work has come up a notch and she is beginning to show pride in her work.  Maybe it’s because I need to see something positive, but some days she given me hope that the future won’t be filled with spoiled brats who live in fairy tales and think that earning your own way is for losers. 

So my parenting score for 36-2011 is a low one.  I wouldn’t put a letter grade on it, but I can’t say it was successful.  I feel like I did my best, it just wasn’t good enough.  I’m not really accustomed to failure, so this has been weighing on me quite heavily lately.

Financially, I did ok this year.  I was divorced in 2008 and anyone who’s been divorced can tell you that’ll leave you in quite a hole.  I clawed my way out of that hole a little bit this year.  I’m not out, but I can see the top.   I managed it without bankruptcy.  I paid off my attorney from when my daughter sued me.  I replaced a vehicle that died with another POS, but I am able to get back and forth to work.  I have a steady job!  One that even let’s me be at karate practice a couple days a week and home for dinner almost every night.  It’s like I’m living the high life.  My aspirations are very simple in nature. 

Personally I feel pretty good, maybe for the first time in a long time.  I can look myself in the mirror and like what I see.  I could lose about 20 pounds, but I like who I am on the inside.  I’m a good friend, I’m a good father (even if I’m not currently satisfied with the results – I hate teenagers), I’m a good example and I’m a God fearing Christian.  Not the perfect kind, but the kind who tries to do right thing because it’s the right thing.  I have been a good example to two boys who live me.  They lost their father.  I’ve not tried to take his place, but I have tried to be there if they needed me.  Those two appreciate me being who I am, even if my own kids don’t. 

I’ve read about 65% of Atlas Shrugged this year.  That book really will change your life.  I recommend it to everyone in Zuccotti park.  If I had money, I probably would have bought a truck load and handed them out to protesters. 

In 2012, I will keep reaching out to my oldest daughter and I hope she doesn’t have to learn things as hard as I learned them, but I fear it may be a harder path that she has chosen.  I must be resolute in allowing her to learn it because interference may teach her the wrong thing.  (and it is very hard to watch).  I will be there for my 16 year old when the house of card tumbles down.  I just hope she hasn’t made life altering decisions by then and I pray her heart doesn’t break as badly as mine.  My son . . . I don’t know what to do about my son.  I’ll think of something or maybe God will bend him over his knee.  That’s not a nice feeling.  He has done that to me before.  It’s very unpleasant and not an experience I wish to repeat.  I will continue to try and guide my youngest on her journey through life.  I hope she will learn the joy and the pride of a job well done is better than any other kind of high.

Financially I have a plan to get out of my hole in 2012.  My budget is strict and I have the discipline to execute it.  I will try not to put too much hope into this plan because I know that life happens often and repeatedly.  The best laid plans can be ripped to shreds in a single moment of life’s chaos.  So I will try to stay on the path as best I can while remaining flexible and hopefully still pointed in the right direction.  May my compass be true.

And finally, in 2012, I will NOT vote for Barack Obama.  Has there ever been a bigger disappointment in this nation’s history?  God help us all if he gets 4 more years to poison us.  If he does, it won’t matter how my kids turn out, they won’t have a future.

Every day and every little thing in it is a gift to you.  Don’t waste it and don’t fail to appreciate it.

May your compass be true and keep you headed in the right direction.

Have a Happy New Year folks