Stop Signs

I’m not ashamed to admit that I've been divorced three times.  The reason I’m not ashamed to admit it, is because each one of them gave me my children, but also because each one taught me something.  They taught me something important about life, relationships and an awful lot about myself.  Like marriage is not really something I’m good at, for example. 

But you can’t go through that much change, pain and damage without stopping to at least do an inventory.  Well, I suppose you could, but I don’t recommend it.  One of the things you do at a time like that is go back through all of your relationships and look for patterns.  Where did I go wrong?  What did I do wrong?  Why did I do that?  It’s really a lot like hitting a dead end in a murder investigation and going back through the coroner reports of every dead relationship you've ever encountered. 

During these relationship autopsies one of the many patterns I noticed was that there were stop signs, red flags, warnings, red alerts, whatever you want to call them.  And there were a LOT of them.  Not like, one per relationship, but more like dozens or hundreds per relationship.  Alarmingly obvious to me now in the harsh light of retrospect. 

Let me give you a few examples, just to make sure we’re on the same page.

•          If your partner constantly accuses you of cheating, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If your partner is cheating, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you can’t field calls from your own mother without them checking the call log on your phone to verify it, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If they come between you and your children in any way, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you feel like you need to lie to them just to avoid a fight, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you are so jealous you check their phone, e-mail, troll their Facebook; that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you have to worry about what you say or do in front them, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you have to “walk on eggshells” around them, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you work late, for free, just so you don’t have to go home, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If every time you go out for drinks, someone wakes up with bruises, that’s a Stop Sign
•          If either of you ever engage in “Tit for Tat” behavior (they did THIS so I’m going to do THAT to get “even”), that’s a Stop Sign
•          If you have to get a 2^nd job to support their hobby (and they don’t even work), that’s a Stop Sign
•          If they demand to be in charge of the finances, but can’t pay the bills, that’s a Stop Sign

I’m sure most of you reading this have crossed off a couple familiar ones and added dozens more in your head already.  You get the idea.  These are obviously reasons to end a relationship.  They are Stop Signs.  The problem is we don’t always treat them like Stop Signs.  Sometimes, we just blow right through them and pretend they aren't there.  Let’s start with the obvious.  Let’s say you catch your partner in the act of having sex with your best friend.  How do you let that go?  How is “We’ll go to therapy” an acceptable fix?  First, best friends don’t do that, so there’s a Stop Sign right there – you can find a better friend, trust me - and also no one who cares about you would do that to you, so there’s another.  Big Red Stop Sign.  Have a nice life peoples, I deserve better than this nonsense. 

Here’s a more subtle example: Maybe you were suspicious and went through your partner’s phone.  You didn't find anything so it’s all good right?  No.  That’s a Stop Sign.  You obviously do not trust them.  Either you have good reasons to be suspicious or you are being irrationally clingy.  Either way, it’s not going to end well.  It’s not like you've ever just checked their phone one time and never had the thought enter your mind again.  Oh no.  It only escalates from there doesn't it?

So many of us are so afraid to be alone, so damaged, that we will forgive almost anything just to cling to the fantasy of what we want our relationship to be.  It’s like totaling a car.  Once a vehicle is that damaged, sure you can fix it up, but it’ll never drive right again.  It’ll always feel just a little ‘wrong’ as you go about you’re daily errands.  Even when the repairs are done perfectly, there’s always something a little off.  But we ignore it and we pretend to be happy with it.  Never mind that constant ticking noise, you learn to ignore it after a while. 

The thing about Stop Signs is they mean STOP.  They shouldn't be ignored.  They aren't Yield signs that mean slow down and then go.  They aren't railroad crossings where you only stop when the lights are flashing and there’s something barring the way.  No No.  Stop Signs are for stopping.  And what happens when you don’t stop at a Stop Sign?  You get a ticket, correct?  You pay a fine.  It’s the same with relationship Stop Signs.  Every time you go through one, you pay the fine.  There’s a fight, there’s resentment, there’s distrust, there’s retaliation; and the fine gets bigger with every Stop Sign you ignore.  A lot of us, most of us I’d even dare to say, don’t Stop until the fine becomes much more than we are willing to pay.  We pay and pay and pay and pay until we can’t stand to pay any more.  By then we’ve caused a 37 car pile-up, injured dozens of people and likely found ourselves in court (or worse). 

We cling to what we “want to believe” out of fear that we aren't good enough or maybe we deserve this torture we are inflicting on ourselves.  Yes, we are inflicting this disaster upon ourselves.  Think about it.  We ignore Stop Signs, logic and plain old common sense completely.  And we do it out of FEAR.  We are more than willing to ignore the glaringly obvious (that ALL of our friends and family see quite clearly) so that we can CHOOSE to be abused.  And for what?  Because being alone is somehow worse than being constantly miserable?  All we have to do is recognize the relationship is simply not going to work out.  Just Stop at the freaking Stop Sign and save ourselves a world of pain, humiliation and usually a good deal of money as well. 

Yet we continue to ignore the Stop Signs.  We will gladly pay the fine, because we've been taught that to being happy and alone is horrible.  You can’t be happy unless you someone else “makes” you happy.  WTF?  I’m perfectly capable of making myself happy.  I don’t need someone else to do that for me.  You know what else?  Being responsible for someone else’s happiness is WAY too much responsibility.  Why is it more socially acceptable to be miserable and in a relationship than to be happy and alone?  Misery loves company, that’s why.  Don’t buy the lies you've been sold.  Always remember, Warning comes before Destruction.

Think back to those relationships that were totaled; those twisted piles of warped metal and burning dreams.  What would have happened if you had stopped at the first Stop Sign?  How much time and energy and mental stability would you have saved if you had just Stopped when you saw the first Stop Sign?

Drive Safe My Friends